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A photo of my daughters usually helps me through anxiety attacks. Apple’s new tech (known as spatial computing) takes it to the next level
My iPhone wallpaper is a photograph of my two daughters holding hands and beaming at me outside the front of our house. It is a picture that perfectly captures what is truly important to me, a precious moment in time among all the noise and chaos of our world right now, and it has the power to bring me back to earth every time I look at it.
If I am having a moment of panic or a looming dread (which I am annoyingly prone to) I try to conjure the photo in my mind. It’s a shortcut to mindfulness, because if I can shift my awareness away from unhelpful, anxious thoughts, I can be less reactive to them. But God, in the midst of an anxiety attack, it’s a struggle to bring a pleasant memory into focus. Imagine, though, if I could ostensibly put myself back in that moment. Retreat out of the discomfort of my own head, and be there, at my happiest place, within virtual touching distance of my two favourite people.
That is what spatial computing and the Apple Vision Pro promises to do: to break the fourth wall of screen time with human-computer interaction where you perceive things to be in your physical environment.
I can’t actually touch my girls of course, because I’m interacting with a spatial version of that photograph, viewed through the Apple headset I’m wearing. And whilst it is wholly immersive, it has the ability to cut through the chaos and force my focus, it is just a golden memory, brought back to life. A living ghost if you will. And it is incredibly powerful.
To get the context of this you need to meet my anxiety disorder. A high-functioning alter ego that I do my best to avoid, or at least hide because I don’t want it to ruin me, (or anyone’s perception of me), professionally or personally. This, of course, only contributes to the problem.
I had my first panic attack about 25 years ago during a nail appointment. It felt like a very physical reaction to nothing; warped vision, tingling extremities, racing heart and a heavy jelly-like feeling in all my limbs, plus acute embarrassment at having to escape, mid-manicure. After months of trying to diagnose whatever was going wrong with my internal gyroscope, it turns out I suffer from a panic disorder, one that triggers my fight or flight response way too easily, and delivers an at times debilitating adrenaline rush and all the awful physical symptoms that come with it.
This can happen when you would expect it, public speaking say, or it can sneak up on me at times of low-to-no-stress, even when I’m asleep. When that first happened I utilised all the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques that I’d been given by my therapist, breathing exercises, calming apps, and medication, but when nothing worked, it was the middle of the night. I had no choice so called 111. “I’m not sure if I’m having the worst panic attack of my life or I’m about to die.” Paramedics were dispatched, who confirmed an extreme panic attack and signed me off work for two weeks. I am ashamed to say I didn’t take their advice, and I didn’t tell my employers, because I didn’t want to blight my professional reputation. This suppression of my anxiety of course feeds the beast, and so here we are, in a fear cycle that I need to constantly train myself out of.
Joshua Fletcher, a psychotherapist, explains to me that there are two types of anxiety. “Conventional anxiety is where we worry about things external to us that may be stress inducing; work, family, relationships.” This is the more common affliction that has been brought to the societal fore with our better awareness of mental health. Mine is the other type though, an inward disordered type of anxiety.
“It’s the fear of fear itself, and the behaviours that maintain that cycle. Essentially, we have a panic attack, because we’re terrified of it happening again. And at the core level, it’s usually distraction that will help – I’m distracted from how I feel, I’m not focusing on it, and that really helps.”
Hence my looking at the picture of my daughters, with the intention of overriding an adrenaline and cortisol-fuelled meltdown.
Which brings my interest to this new tech – known as ‘spatial computing’ – and its capability to ‘elevate’ some of the self help therapy apps I already use to relieve some of my anxiety symptoms.
I have found things like Headspace, Calm and Lungy are all helpful, but only to a point. But much like trying to use my photo to increase positive affect, grabbing my phone and focusing on an app in moments of high anxiety can also prove difficult. But I could use spatial computing to fully immerse myself in them. Maybe then I can biohack my way into effective self-regulation in order to dial down my anxiety.
“If you are stressed or conventionally anxious, using spatial computing would help make you mindful because it brings you into the present, and when you’re in the present your cortisol levels will come down because you’re not ruminating and focusing on those stressful subjects,” Fletcher explains.
This makes logical and biological sense to me, and on my lifelong mission to keep my anxiety in check, I am keen to give it a go.
The Apple Vision Pro is, at its most basic level, a wearable computer that blends digital content with the real physical world, navigable with your eyes, hands and voice. But having used it, I would describe it as the ultimate entertaining device of the future. I straight up love it. From putting it on (very comfortable), configuring it to your eyes and hands (very easy) and opening a floating dashboard of familiar app icons, reimagined for spatial computing. The capabilities are way bigger than I have space to write about here, from re-experiencing very real memories to immersing yourself in awe-inspiring environments to taking wellness, mindfulness and active meditation to a whole other level which is what I’m particularly excited about.
To better understand how it can work for anxiety, I spoke to Dr Luke Hale, an NHS doctor and creator of responsive breathing app Lungy and Lungy Spaces. Using it on the Vision Pro, I can be immersed in a responsive, interactive space, and, using the hand tracking, ‘play’ virtual instruments in a 3D environment. Essentially I can create beautiful, relaxing soundscapes that encourage me to focus on the present moment and my surroundings, rather than the threat response that is trying to take over my body.
“Research suggests that breathing exercises alone are very effective at reducing anxiety and stress symptoms, because of the intimate link between our breathing and our physiology – our ‘fight or flight response’,” Dr Hale explains.
“Spatial computing allows you to create a very calming, reassuring environment and a state of mind where you can respond to anxious thoughts more productively. When a person feels they can influence their surroundings positively through their actions, it enhances feelings of autonomy and self-efficacy (opposite to the feelings of powerlessness in anxiety and depression.)
And for me, it seems to be working. The most difficult part of my own attempts to self-regulate is the monster effort to focus, since most apps or grounding techniques invite me to close my eyes and shift attention to my breathing, because as Fletcher explains, I might need some help with that. “People with inward anxiety find it very difficult to focus on the breath, because it is not steady, so focusing on it can make them feel worse.”
What I need to do is tune into my surroundings. And using immersive mindful apps on the Vision Pro literally forces me to do that. I can dial up the level of immersion based on my preference, by turning a ‘digital crown’ on the headset, much like the dial on an Apple watch. So the environments I’m experiencing can either be fully immersive (replacing my surroundings) or ‘mixed’ with my actual, physical environment.
I’m not sure the world is ready for me to sit on the tube with a headset on just yet (I’d be an anomaly right now but let’s see what things look like when society catches up) so this is not a quick fix, whip-it-out for an ad hoc anxiety attack resolution.
I am using it as a daily practice, a preventative measure. I’m basically enjoying training myself better, and five minutes a day in the safety of my own surroundings is something I find myself looking forward to, rather than considering a chore, like any kind of exercise. It is widely known that the benefits of meditation are cumulative, so in order to get ‘better’ in every sense, you need to realistically fit a chunk of wellness into your every day.
Results will come from consistent practice, and this is where I’ve fallen down before. I’m a working mother of two little ones. I take on the brunt of the family and home responsibilities and if I’m honest, finding 10 minutes to fully concentrate on mindfulness is near-impossible when there is work/washing/downtime to be done. But if it’s entertaining? Well, that’s different.
Using the headset is a fun way to learn to breathe (something anxious people rarely do ‘right’) and I find the experience of immersing myself in a graphic snowy mountain-scape, and engaging with a guided breath exercise that floats in front of me, lasts even after I’ve put the headset down. So much so that after a few days I am more conscious of my breath in general, aware when it is too shallow, I even find it easier to click into the paced, long and slow belly-breathing that will help my nervous system calm when I need it (I hope). I must say, so far so good.
So is this a realistic replacement for my meditation apps? I had an opportunity to give it a big test when I was jolted from sleep by an uncomfortably familiar surge of panic. My husband was away and my daughter was crying, so I jumped out of bed on auto pilot and ran down to get her a bottle.
This is normal, but that night for whatever reason was not. Back in my own bed I could not calm my heart rate, and the catastrophic thoughts leapt in. Is this panic or something worse? If it’s worse, what will my daughters do? What does an aneurysm feel like? The works. The paced breathing helped sporadically but not totally, and where I would normally reach for my phone apps to help me calm back to sleep, I put on the Vision Pro, and transport myself to an ‘environment’ – the moon if you’re interested – before opening the immersive Mindfulness App in tandem. It’s a porthole out of my present situation, to somewhere so totally different it’s basically indescribable, which in itself is effectively distracting enough that I rebalance in record time.
Perhaps it’s the novelty for now, but it’s undoubtedly a tool for me in moments like this, and a much welcome respite I fall back to sleep quite quickly.
A few weeks later I went away with some friends for a weekend – a perfect anxiety attack equation. An unfamiliar environment, alone at night, with people I know but not that well, plus probably too much wine. I took the Vision Pro, ready to stave off the midnight meltdown, but it didn’t happen. It’s an anxiety tool that my GP would call a ‘pill-in-my-pocket’. There if it’s needed, but that in itself might be all the comfort I need. So far so helpful.
So is there a downside? Apart from the obvious cost (£3,499 is not to be sniffed at, but remember how comparatively high the cost of laptop technology was in its early stages?) If it can truly help with my panic, I would happily pay more. But I also think we have to expect some growing pains. Broadening our experience of the world (spatial computing is like unlocking a new dimension) will take adjusting. I expected to feel vertigo or something like it, and whilst I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t, I was overcome by some emotional tidal wave and inexplicably burst into tears. That in itself was a welcome release, and I’m told it is quite a common initial response.
I’m struck by how incredibly moving watching a spatial video on the Vision Pro is. Imagine being able to relive a fully immersive memory in 3D, with a pet or family member who had passed away. Is it an incredible tool for grief, or could we become stuck in the sadness of replaying that hyper real moment? Research has shown that among women who are separated from their partner, a photograph can serve as a substitute for what we miss, significantly reducing feelings of loneliness. Similarly studies have shown that nostalgia can have a positive effect on reducing physically induced pain.
Whilst I am inclined to think the pros outweigh the cons here, Joshua Jackson, a psychotherapist, explains that ultimately you are the coping technique when it comes to anxiety. Learning you can tolerate it without external stimuli is super important.
“The long-term goal is to teach your brain that panic attacks are not dangerous, they are a dump of adrenaline, a dump of cortisol. Your brain is going to try and work out why and give you scary thoughts, but ultimately you are safe. When you wilfully tolerate discomfort, the brain rewires,” he says.
I know this is true too, but I am incredibly appreciative of a back up plan. And one with the capability of transporting me to white sands, or watching an immersive movie in 3D with a 180-degree field of view and spatial audio, or even better, re-experiencing a precious moment with my daughters suspended in glorious virtual-reality? I know that’s going to make me feel better. And it does.
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